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vampire child title


It's True! The suspicions of millions are confirmed! Vampire children are among us! Eyewitness reports from the regulars on #Greenroom detail encounters with these creatures. More dangerous and widespread than the vampires of legend, daylight does not deter these little bloodsuckers.

You've seen them, you've shuddered at their reign of terror, you've wanted to strangle them. Now learn the horrifying truth about the VAMPIRE CHILDREN!.


Identification

Most if not all of us have encountered vampire children. For those who have not, there are easily identifiable characteristics. Frequently the vampire child gives itself away immediately and you find it attached to your arm or leg or worse to your own child, biting frenziedly, almost before you know what has happened. If you have not yet been bitten, then watch for the evil glare, constant whining and/or snarling and the glazed eyes of the hypnotically controlled parent. Vampire children frequently run loose in public places howling or making demands (if they have reached the age of speech) at the top of their lungs. The parent of a vampire child, totally under its evil influence, when questioned about the monster's behavior will often make a comment such as "Oh, isn't that cute.", "Boys will be boys." or something similar. (NOTE: Vampire children are not afraid of sunlight - they appear among us both day and night.)

Prevention and Protection

You must protect your children and yourself! The bite of a vampire child may produce, in a child, similar activity in the bitten child. In an adult the risk is rabies or infection. Even watching a vampire child at its rituals of pandemonium may infect an uninfected child. Immediate disciplinary action at the first signs of infection may prevent further symptoms in an infected child. Even a child who says his prayers at night may become infected and must be disciplined at once!

A tactic which may induce the hypnotically controlled parent to take action is the production of a crucifix which is held toward the vampire child. Parents do tend to notice this although its efficacy in inducing disciplinary action is erratic. If a vampire child is actively biting, a good whack with the crucifix, or drenching in holy water may prove effective. Remove all susceptible children from visual and aural perception of the vampire child at once.

Sightings

SEND IN YOUR SIGHTINGS! Sightings reported since the creation of this page have been in:
Woodbine, Georgia where a vampire child is terrorizing neighbors and baby sitters;
Des Moines, Iowa - two vampire children spotted in a HyVee gnawing on each other while they attempted to either escape from or levitate a shopping cart.
Chillicothe, Illinois where church services have actually been interrupted by vampiric activities.

Information Received 2/19/98

Your article on vampire children is seriously out dated. Since December of 1997 there have been over 200 more sightings of vampire children within the south-eastern United States alone, and even more reportings coming in everyday from the western states. Like the e coli scare of the past 2 years, vampirism within the youth of American has reached its all time high.

The playground we once trusted for the health and safety of our next generations has become a virtual war zone, and that is not all! Our school system is plagued as well. There is no area within our country that is safe.

I strongly urge you and all who are concerned about the future of our planet we call earth to write a letter to your congressman, explaining the need of public shelters and proper immunizations to prevent the spread of this hideous infestation.

Furthermore, I urge you to get the word out to the public and to all parents of the world so the may know what warning signs to look for if they feel their child has been bitten. The latest signs are whining, anger, and an unexplained sense of selfishness.

Warm Weather Warning 4/20/98

Yes, with the advent of warm weather, the previous information regarding bloodsucking urchins becomes even more vital. In not many weeks we will witness the release of hundreds of vampire children from custodial institutions (schools) on to the streets of America for nearly three months of uninterrupted mayhem.

Some experts have opined that with the attainment of school age, the danger of vampirism is considerably lessened. NOT SO! With Yuppie parents turning the nurture of their children over to hired hands, and with dilettante parents turning their children onto the streets to be raised by either other children or itinerant wolves, the danger of vampirism continues into the primary grades if not farther.

Carry that Crucifix at ALL times! Studies in Parochial schools suggest that a heavy rosary swung from the hip will discourage most vampiric activity. Don't forget the perennial favorite, garlic, and now research has proven that broccoli may be just as effective!

Watch this page for hot weather reports from all over the country.

WHAT??

Judging by the amount of hits this page gets, an astounding number of people are searching on the words "vampire children". You wouldn't think I would have to add this disclaimer, but it's satire people, SATIRE!


mailbox icon Rich Gordley
rgordley@q.com
Des Moines, IA

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